Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Sensitive Cancerian!

I am a cancerian. And I am a very sensitive chap. Astrologers say that cancerians are supposed to be that way. My being sensitive, however, mayn't be used as confirmation of the conjecture. Anyway...

I feel my being sensitive is both my biggest asset, and a curse.

My artistic and scientific aptitude has all its roots in my sensitive nature. I am strongly sensitive to the presence of beauty. Be it something physical like natural beauty, the taste in the simple mess food; or something abstract like the architecture of a software system, or the elegance of a mathematical proof; or something emotional like the presence of fond feelings like love and affection. My sensitiveness has got me my talents. And it has got me friends of every type, simply because I could manage to notice the presence of love in so many shapes and sizes, even though their expression has often been lame and inarticulate, often inexistent!

My sensitive nature has been a curse too. Not because of the obvious reason of hypersensitivity. I feel, given my sensitive nature, I am also quite a level headed chap, with more than sufficient nerve to deal with situations of tremendous stress. Moreover, I do boast of having a nearly-sound philosophy behind things I do. That saves me in many a moment of despair.

The problem comes when my sensitivity is noticed. I suddenly become very vulnerable. I try to hide it; and when I can't, I try to explain it, and further goof up the situation. Given all the above, I am still, somewhere deep down, a bit ashamed of being so sensitive. I don't know why. For example, I don't get upset at most of the things. But, suppose someone asks me, even with the best of intentions, if I took his/her words to heart, I get terribly disturbed. Immediately, I start wondering: 'what did I do to make him/her think that way?! Was I actually hurt, and was trying to hide it from myself?!' The thought gives place to a very unsettling kind of brooding.

There's another slightly external problem. I feel, somehow, perhaps due to my own fault, a very 'Sujit Da' image has got built about me. People around me have started looking at me as a matured guy. So far so good. But I feel, along with that, I have been implicitly stripped the right to emote like others. Somehow, my getting angry, upset and all that doesn't go well with the image that's got created about me. I confess, this feeling has been brewing in my mind for sometime now, and in part gave rise to my story The Other Way Round Nirvana.

Unfortunately, whenever I violate that sedate (nearly lifeless) image of mine, it causes a strange terrorlike reaction in people who 'half'-know me. They try to confirm if I got hurt; they disbelieve me totally when I say I didn't; and they try to cover up what they said or did to save me further hurt; and thenceforth are slightly careful with me. There're plenty of people, of course, who're well aware of this sensitive aspect of mine, and are at ease with it. They don't refrain from giving me those 'alleged' hurts, because, they know that they mostly don't exist, and even if they do, I am well capable of handling them without their help. But with many, my idiosyncracies backfire. And I am not so arrogant as to say that I never care about these 'half'-dear people.

One option is of course to be quiet. Over the years, I have kind of developed an idea when things may turn ugly. It's easy to keep quiet. But, it's not easy too. Since, I feel, being clear and complete in the best possible way is both my duty and my right. Burrying things inside causes a lot of internal disquiet.

I wish people knew that I am like that. I wish they knew that there's nothing to be alarmed about it. I wish they knew that it's not my weakness or failing; it's just a bit of my idiosyncracy, peculiarity -- or whatever you may call it. I wish there hadn't been a reason to write this blog. I wish you had felt happy and amused, and slightly affectionate towards me, after reading this blog, and not get alarmed at my self-exposition. Because, I like analysing everything, myself included. And I am frank and honest enough to expose my worries to you. Hm!


Anonymous said...

your words described exactly how I feel about being a Cancerian. Lately I have become overwhelmed by my Cancerian traits and want to avoid people all together. ho hum... I hope this passes.

Rajesh Santhanam said...

Dear Sujit,

I'm a Cancerian male and your run of emotions find an echo in my soul too. Strange that we should go through such internal conflicts to live a meaningful life. The range of emotions we go through is so bewilderingly complex that sometimes it is a relief to let things be the way they are and just be content to watch them come and go. May be we should just watch our waxing and waning phases of the mind. Did you ever observe that the phases of the Moon affect your mind and body? Toaday is a Full Moon Day. How do you feel? Elated or down in the dumps?

Rajesh S.