With All Respect, No Apologies!

In a recent discussion (over facebook), I had a brief involvement in a conversation over the lack of respect for women that's becoming an integral part of the Indian culture -- particularly in North India. There was the mention of a recent disturbing incident in Amritsar in which a policeman was shot dead because he tried to prevent a few eve-teasers from misbehaving with his daughter. The event indeed reflects the deplorable law and order condition. The tacit acceptance that eve teasing seems to get that emboldens molesters more and more seems to get worse and worse with passing time.

The solution suggested by one of the ladies in the discussion, most probably out of sheer frustration and disgust, was that boys should be brought up with a fear of dire consequences -- e.g death penalty -- if they behave badly with women. Probably she was right. Probably, to set things right tomorrow, there isn't any other way possible. Probably, replacing one form of disrespect with another is the only way to create a feeling of self-respect to our people. Probably, we aren't left with any other method of cleaning up, than just shifting our garbage dumps from one place to another. We have tried doing that before: by creating reservations to deal with the evils of casteism; by creating religion based politics to remove communal disharmony; by creating thick, burgeoning impenetrable concrete jungles to wipe out wilderness and desolation. We have been in the habit of creating 2 headed monsters to slay 1 headed ones. And look how successful we have been in making our lives any better!

I will not teach my son to be afraid of consequences. I will tell him that women are fellow creatures: sentient, intelligent, with self-will and self-respect. I will tell him that there is an experience that is to be got from interacting with a person who is a partner with you in making the life, the world, a more beautiful thing. It far exceeds, at least in the long run, the pleasure of finding partners in sin. I will tell him that the love that emerges from partnering with a person see a dream, to fulfil that dream, in being a part of a realisation of the self that's impossible for him/her alone -- that love is far superior, far more joyful that the momentary kick of falling into a pit of crime together. 

I will hope that he will believe me, though I haven't tried experiencing the rewards and penalties of thinking or behaving any other way. So, I have no first hand stories to tell him of the other side.

I won't ask him to be respectful of women. I will ask him to be respectful. I hope he will learn to see the potential beauty that exists in every human being. In old invalids as in a strong and physically attractive person; in a village simpleton as well as in an intelligent and sophisticated person. And I hope he will learn to see what a lethal blow a single act of disrespect, a single invitation to a fallen act, deals to this potential beauty, to the possibility of discovering that beautiful person.

If you will, even this could be called a fear of consequence. But it's not a fear of bodily harm, but it's the fear of a damage to that infinite possibility. I hope my son grows up with a faith in that possibility, learns to hold that possibility dear to his heart, and fears the destruction of that possibility. The possibility of seeing all people in their real beautiful self, the possibility of being their partners in the discovery of that hidden beauty in their own selves. In experiencing a love that's based on its logical foundation: respect.

Related:

Rapes and Women Dressing

Men and Women

Here was one quite a nice poem written in praises of women, that I got in an egroup.

Why Women Cry
 
Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom?
 
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
 
I don't understand," he said.
 
His Mom just hugged him and said,
"And you never will, but that's O.K.".......
 
Later the little boy asked his father,
"Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?".
"All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say......
 
The little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry.
 
Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he
asked "God, why do women cry so easily?"
 
GOD answered......
 
"When I made woman,
I decided she had to be special.
I made her shoulders
strong enough to carry
the weight of the world, yet,
made her arms gentle enough to give comfort...
 
I gave her the inner strength
to endure ch! ildbirth
and the rejection
that many times will come
even from her own children.

I gave her a hardness
that allows her
to keep going and take care
of her family and friends,
even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue
without
complaining....
 
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
circumstances. Even when her child has hurt her badly....
 
She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better
 and
to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears....
 
I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults
and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....
 
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,
 but
sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him
unfalteringly....
 
For all of this hard work,
I also gave her a tear to shed.
It is hers to use
whenever needed and ! !
it is her only weakness....
When you see her cry,
tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and
even though
she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.
 
She is special!

I felt that there was need to do a balancing act. After all guys, particularly nice guys like me, have seen or done none of the atrocities that their kind have been charged with for milennia. We keep hearing that we belong to that sex-starved, beastly kind called 'male'. After all there's a need to recapitulate on our true nature. So, I wrote the following:

Baap re! Are women so very good! Let's write something parallel for men...
***********************************************************************
Quoting God...
I gave him a kind and noble heart. Covered that up with muscles, so he
could be powerful enough to carry the load and sorrows he must bear.

It was him for whom I secured all the bothering of finance for
his family. I also gave him the forbearance to never show its difficulty
to the family he loves. He too wanted to sit back and sulk on somebody
along with his kids. But he couldn't. As a man he must see to it that they
live on.

I gave him the responsibility for making his family feel secure. Even if
he is left with no strength he manages to make his family safe and secure
from the greatest dangers of the world. He too wanted to tremble like a
leaf. But he couldn't. Because he is a man!

I gave him the role of always acting the ideal person for his children so
that they grow up to be as good as or better than him. Even at the face of
being ridiculed as old-fashioned and boring by the very children he lives
for. He too wanted to cry and scream expressing his pain. But he couldn't.
Because he is a man!

While the woman could care, love, caress, laugh and cry with her child --
and be called the Mother, the greatest friend, guru etc. The Father had to
go out in the heat so that his child and wife could eat. He too wanted to
caress and love his child. But no! he is a man!

But then I just had stop short of making him the perfect creature. I
couldn't give him a single drop of tear. For, I had already given all of
that to women.

A women thus can express her love, hate, fear, happiness and sorrow all
through TEARS! And earn love and regard as 'Oh so feminine!'

Man keeps taking the blame of being unfeeling, heartless, mean, physical,
base, and what not - because he can't cry!

Poor men!

***********************************************************************
In summary...

Hey, we all are the same, with some minor external differences. Don't
romanticise unnecessarily. Let's love and respect everybody equally (I
know, that's easier said than done).

I will be happy to see the day when men will be actually enchanted by
women showing the talents men think themselves good at.

I will be even happier to see the day when women can see a man crying
without thinking, 'how...!'